Part 4 –
“It seems to me some fine things, have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get.”
Eagles, Desperado
But First, a story –
She sat in the cheap plastic chair in the row in front of me. Hair still wet from a frantic shower. Black yoga pants well-worn and pilling; victims of overuse during the pandemic. It was a half past 6 in the evening, but she looked like a frenzied Mom who barely made it out the door on time for a morning commute. Sipping on an iced coffee drink lightened 30 shades from heavy cream. Her cup covered in condensation blurring the sticker that read “4 extra pumps vanilla sweetener.” There was something in the neighborhood of 400 calories and 75 grams of sugar in this cup. The contents giving her the cheap glucose to which her brain was addicted, her phone simultaneously satisfying her craving of eying fitness influencers on instagram. Her actions and desires tugging a rope in two opposite directions.
We were in the spectator section of a long and narrow mat covered room as our children broke boards and practiced side kicks during their martial arts class. The other parents’ heads also tilted south, staring at their phones; almost always at a social media app. Her scrolling caught my attention as she continually brought her iPhone to eye level, as her other child sitting next to her, kept asking “Mommy!, Mommy!? Hey Mommy!” She was losing battles on multiple fronts; her sweetened sips taking her further away from the body she craved and the time with her daughter that she’d never get back. If you’d asked her “is health and fitness” important to you? She’d probably say ‘Yes’, though the evidence in her coffee cup and now too snug to be comfortable yoga pants would suggest otherwise. If you asked her “how important is family to you?”, the socially correct answer is always ‘yes!’ But there she was, ignoring her child and mindlessly giving her time to her habits and dreaming of a life that wasn’t hers. The irony being if she put down the drink and her phone, what she said she wanted might be within her grasp.
The woman I’m describing is not alone. She is all of us; our actions contradicting our desires as we long for what our digital and real “neighbors” seem to have, and we do this willingly on an almost constant basis. ( See the usage stats from part 3). It’s well documented that Social Media sites are designed for maximum usage as well as to stoke envy. We know we’re being manipulated. Even with this knowledge we still have a hard time abstaining.
Our desires are not our own, and they’re continually being shaped by what is in front of our eyes. What is modeled for us, we will mimic. This can be good or bad. These days, it’s tougher to know if our wants are “good” or shallow wolves in sheep’s clothing.
“People around you, constantly under the pull of their emotions, change their ideas by the day or by the hour, depending on their mood. You must never assume that what people say or do in a particular moment is a statement of their permanent desires.”
Robert Greene, Mastery
Desire Disguised as “Good”
Even, if not especially, Christianity is not immune to the allure and shallowness of Social Media culture. There are indeed, Instagram Churches. A “church” in my personal locale that’s grown tremendously by preying on the cheap and empty wants that are modeled by social media culture. Slick production, motivational speaker lead pastor with hipster spectacle frames and jeans; they even use the trendy lower-case letter in front of their name. The church felt it necessary to buy brand new trucks, wrapped in camouflage with lift kits and custom wheels to show their presence around the area; just like Jesus did in Jerusalem with his Jordans and rock band. Assistant pastors buying $1M+ homes. They purposely select and pressure physically attractive people to recruit for them. It’s clear what this church is doing, and also clear to predict what will happen to them in the future in some epic financial, or other scandal. They are executing on a flaw in our human nature; our judgment based on what it looks like vs what it actually is.
Using Our Kids to Satisfy Our Dopamine Needs –
Another form of social media culture deceit that seems like it’s good and wholesome, is the use of children to attract attention to ourselves. On it’s face, it looks like a proud parent shouting to the heavens, the love for their children – but is that really what it is? During each back-to-school season you’ll see loads of mimetic social media posts of “first day of school” pictures from parents on multiple social media platforms. But really, what for? What are our sons and daughters getting out of these posts? How many of you have ever dug up a picture of yourself that your parents took on your first day of school? Besides a few narcissists, the answer to that question is “no.”
So why do we “feel” that it’s our solemn duty as parents to display our kids to everyone we know, and many we don’t – including Aunt Rhonda’s neighbor whose friend request we accepted because we knew we’d have to see her again, and now she comments on every damn post within a minute and goes on and on about COVID being a hoax? Is that the person you want knowing Skyler is in 3rd grade in Mrs. Henseldorf’s class at Suburban Woods Elementary, and wants to be a surgeon when she grows up? Worse – why are we showing our kids that posing for copycat pictures is a priority? There are cameras in their sweet little faces all of the time. Children are unforgiving mirrors. What we place value on, they will pick up. If it’s just shallow emulation of what everyone else is mindlessly doing, what do we think THEY will do? We need not cheapen their childhood by placing empty “likes” from people you don’t really care about, on a pedestal. But let’s call this behavior what it really is: using our children as pawns in rivalry with other parents and as traps for attention that we seek for ourselves.
An Antidote-How to Handle Being Different
You’ve probably been exposed to the word “empathy” more times in the last 5 yrs than at any point in history. With the media focus on “mental health” ( quotations on purpose, because they’re focus is on temporary feelings rather than true health), “Empathy”, is the buzz word of the 21st century. But it’s meaning in the wider culture is misapplied. We say it’s putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, but that’s only part of the equation. We can attempt to see the world through another’s eyes WITHOUT identifying as them. Luke Burgis makes this point in his brilliant book, “Wanting”, – “Empathy is the ability to share in another person’s experience- but without imitating them ( their speech, their beliefs, their actions, their feelings) and without identifying with them to the point that one’s own individuality and self-possession are lost. In this sense, empathy is anti-mimetic.” Through this lens, we can understand our extended network making the same political posts, sharing first day of school pictures, without sharing their desires. We can know what it’s like to be passionate about their cause, without adopting it ourselves.
But also know this – being a contrarian for contrarian-sake doesn’t make sense either. You have to ask yourself, ‘wait a sec… do I actually agree with this? Why is seemingly everyone doing this? What, if anything, is wrong with it? What, if anything, should I do about it?’ In your life, you’ve likely met a rebel without a cause. The person that has never seen a good idea, and can’t articulate as to why. This is foolish. We shouldn’t seek to diverge from the pack unless we have good reason. Once a good enough reason is established ( like cutting down your social media usage or focusing it due to its mental health affects and time savings) you must be prepared to deal with the consequences of that. In his masterwork, 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene writes – “If you make a show of going against the times, flaunting your unconventional ideas and unorthodox ways, people will think that you only want attention and that you look down upon them. They will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend in and nurture the common touch. Share your originality only with tolerant friends and those who are sure to appreciate your uniqueness.“
So, in a world of people being the same, and being punished for being different, when there are times where it makes complete sense to be with the crowd, while also wanting to carve our own paths, what are we to do??? Well…..
What’s Next & The Future of this Site
“Save some face, you know you only got one. Change your ways, while you are young”
The Killers, Smile Like You Mean It
The genesis of this Social Media series was from a recent sabbatical from these sites. Not the first time I’ve done it, and likely not the last ( and like many cultures have suggested throughout history, a period of “fasting” can be beneficial; I would recommend this practice). During that time away, I saw that the there was a less distinct chasm between digital life and real life. I observed how ingrained and omnipresent Social Media culture had become during the recess from those apps; the absence impacting how I saw everything around me. I also was honest with myself in how these sites silently influenced me in ways I didn’t like or truly want. In part 1 I described how when you step away, you can see how much social media culture has infected the world. In part 2 showed some of the troubling stats that have come from social media usage. Part 3 went over how humans use mimicry to function in a society swallowed by influence. Here, to close it out, the aim is to snap us back into reality.
Thomas Merton, a Trappist Monk, wrote “The true inner self must be drawn up like a jewel from the bottom of the sea, rescued from confusion, from indistinction, from immersion in the common, the non-descript, the trivial, the sordid, the evanescent.” ….So, I beg of you – Don’t hand over what you have to offer the world to these algorithms. Be honest about where your desires come from, and “why.” Think about them. TRULY spend time, thinking about the things in your life that have brought you fulfillment. What made those things worth the time? To help, these are the things transcend the impulsive desires at our fingertips that unlock with our FaceID or a thumbprint. How can we spend what precious little time we have taking action on what brings life it’s deep meaning?
That’s what the future of this site will be. It will be focused on TIME. It will be focused on helping fellow humans use their time WISELY. People find deep meaning in some of the same pursuits, so mimicry is expected, but not required. There can be positive copycatting. That said, since TIME is the most precious thing of all, my sole mission is to aid YOUR mission – to help you earn the gift of your time. To help you ( and frankly, myself) aim at the core. Thinking about, coming up with these insights, cutting away parts of ourselves is uncomfortable, unsettling, and frightening. But the alternative is worse. We know it. So let’s do something about it. Let’s earn the gift of our time.
To render this mission a reality, over time, here are the changes you can expect to see on this site are:
- More frequent posts and articles focused on our greatest resource. They will be shorter ( you’re very, very, welcome..), but won’t soothe anyone’s desire for comfort ( sorry… well…not really). The topics will be geared towards the timeless, but there will also be…
- A weekly, short newsletter that will be focused on the here and now. Items will include more of my own personal opinion on recommendations that I find worth the time. Books, music, articles, causes, workouts, food, and any other of the random spattering of things we choose that take up an hour, a day, a year, a decade, a life.
- In due time, services and programs designed for individuals and small groups to guide us all in the mission of understanding the value of time and how to best use it.
Let’s do it together. I hope you come along for the ride. Since your time and my time are of infinite value, and anything here is a trade for that time, I intend to make it worth it.
And finally… a story
On January 15, 2009 Ric Elias was on US Airways flight 1549 that crash-landed into the Hudson River after taking off from JFK. Minutes after take-off a loud BOOM occurred that was the result of an engine going out after hitting a flock of birds. In the moments after the strike, everything seemed OK to Ric and the fellow passengers, but then, Captain Sullenberger calmly stated over the planes voice system “Brace for impact.”
The plane descended downward for roughly 90 seconds. Ric, sitting in first class row 1, began to say “goodbye” to his life. His mind knowing 100%, that he was going to die. He had hoped for an explosion to avoid suffering for himself and others. Ric describes not being scared, but very sad. He wasn’t going to be able to say “goodbye” to anyone but himself. He wasn’t going to be able to ask for forgiveness from the people he needed to. No fear – only sadness. 20 minutes earlier he didn’t get up out of his first class front seat due to his own ego and selfishness; though his soul tugged at him to do so when an elderly lady with mobility issues passed by. Now, as his life was ending his brain racked with the knowledge that his last act on Earth was a completely selfish one.
But…. He didn’t die. He got a second chance. His life wasn’t finished. The supreme sadness of having the time to think about leaving life, didn’t come to fruition. A gift. If you’d like to know what Ric has done in the ensuing years since the miracle on the Hudson, watch this clip… for those of you not patient enough to watch a video that isn’t of a celebrity popping and locking, let’s just say…he’s not wasting his time.
Ric’s story is but ONE example: we have the great fortune of access to knowledge and wisdom of those around us, and those that came before us. The brilliance of the written word. The understanding of the language. We don’t need a “near miss” ( a stupid term btw), a cancer scare, an overdose, or any other binary event to snap us to life… we can make the choice, each and every day. We can earn our gift of time. Don’t postpone it; do it now – for yourself, your family, your friends, all of us.
Andrew L Hamilton 